Prithee now, a word from our sponsors

The bad news is, some of the nitwits on the ballot are going to win Tuesday’s election (they can’t lose ’em all); the good news is, their campaign ads will cease and our television landscape will be safe once again for non-partisan overstatement and inanity.

But don’t fall for it when someone complains that political campaigns today are so much nastier than they used to be.  The truth is, the first American political campaigns were even more cutthroat than what we put up with in the 21st century.  If the Founding Fathers had had television, the attack ads from the Founding Political Consultants would have had another outlet for distribution:

Yes, the words–"toothless", "importing mistresses", "hermaphroditical", "chastity violated", "children writhing on a pike"–are from the real campaign material used in 1800.