Dear Ted Cruz,

I was going to write you a short note to congratulate you (I guess) for becoming the first officially-announced candidate for president…in a primary season whose first election is still more than a year away, for a general election even more distant than that.  But we both know that I wouldn’t have been sincere, so I didn’t do it.  I know how you hate the phoniness that’s unfortunately so typical of politics, and God knows I don’t want to add to it.

I think I understand why you announced when you did—to try to get commitments from big money donors before they sign up with Jeb, and to capitalize on any remaining Tea Party fervor that hasn’t just naturally bubbled off since November.  I take it you feel that was worth the chance, even if it flies in the face of the fact that in recent times the first person to announce does not end up winning.  And I guess I understand why you announced where you did—forsaking stages in both the nation’s capital as well as your state’s capital, and even your hometown here in Houston, you chose a setting deep in the heart of the Christian extremist movement to say loud and clear, I am here to be the president of Born Again America and the rest of you better watch your step.

What the hell, it’s your campaign…do it however you want.  I will note that while you have the advantage of at least being an alternative to another Clinton, or yet another Bush—a not insubstantial advantage, to my mind—you are also following in the footsteps of Barack Obama by aiming for the top after having barely dipped your toe in an elective office.  Your hubris is showing, buddy, and I imagine they had something to say about that back at Faith West Academy and Second Baptist.

Can you win?  There is so much time before anyone casts the first vote that actually means something, and so many unknowns that could go one way or another during that time—and that’s both the known unknowns as well as the unknown ones—it’s impossible to say.  So sure, I guess you could win…and I could finally break 80 on the golf course.  I can get you the names of some folks who can help quantify that possibility for you, if you’re interested.

So as you set off on this adventure, no doubt intensely secure in your belief in yourself, I’d suggest looking out for this one way that you might be able to expand your appeal: try to be less of an asshole.  It couldn’t hurt.

2 thoughts on “Dear Ted Cruz,

  1. When Prime Minister Harold McMillan was asked by a reporter what scared him most in Politics he gave a one word answer: “Events.” Cruz is being allowed to Zig Zag across the political minefield ahead of the others. He will be clearing a path for them. He won’t make it to the other side.

  2. Hallelujah and pass the Lone Star, because Ted Cruz has restored my belief in God! Ever since the rumors started flying months ago about Ted running for his party’s nomination, and then on to the presidency, every night I finished my prayers with “and please God, give Ted Cruz the hubris and the sheer balls to run for president.” And here it is, my prayers have been answered! Why, the thought of a no-holds-barred cage match between him and Rick Perry (assuming Rick is gearing up for another run), fighting to prove who loves Texas, God, and the Constitution more, makes me positively giddy! It will be like “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III”, but with plenty of Biblical references, anti-big government/anti-regulation rhetoric, and job creation numbers thrown in!

    Whenever I think about candidates like Rootin’ Tootin’ Rick and Ted “Pass-the-Bible” Cruz, the biggest question that always floats to the top of my brain is, who leads these guys on? Who is telling or convincing them that their schtick will play outside the small arena of Tea Party Texans and on a national stage? Are they that gullible, that egotistical? Apparently, yes, they are.

    Here Ted, I’ve got some early and sage advice for you: save your money – and your ego – and keep your day job.

    Starting at the top, just take a look at his smirking mug; the first thing that comes to my mind is a character straight out of a (younger) Bill Murray movie. Can anyone in their right mind really see this guy standing behind the presidential podium, addressing our nation?

    Issue number two: yes, you are an asshole, and a divisive one. You’re not even that popular amongst your colleagues in the GOP. You aspire to the highest office in the land, yet you’re as anxious as a four year old on Christmas morning to shut the government down whenever an impasse arises. You see, Ted, a real leader seeks out compromise and common ground: an adult, mature, rigorously-debated give and take solution. He doesn’t cry like his diaper is full and threaten to hold his breath until he gets his way. Or filibuster with a Dr. Seuss book on the Senate floor. My question about that stunt was why didn’t God-boy choose the Bible instead of “Green Eggs & Ham”? It’s a lot bigger… My guess is he’s a little more familiar with the later.

    Which leads to issue number three: taking the evangelical route? Really? Nobody is swallowing that one.

    And finally, problem number four: I know you’re anxious and champing at the bit to see those posters and banners, and hear the applause, but the first one out of the chute never wins. I don’t think you have any idea how long and grueling the primary season is, before you even get to swap punches with the Dem’s chosen contender. It’s brutal, Ted; long and brutal. And in your case, the more people are exposed to you, and the more they find out about you…well, believe me, the less appealing you are going to become. God and the Constitution is a slim hand to work with, and by the time things really start heating up, and the other candidates are hitting their stride, you will be the worn down crayon in the back of the box that we’ve all seen and heard too much of. It’s called strategically pacing yourself.

    I’ve got $100 bucks right now that says “The Cruz” doesn’t even make it halfway through the primary season before throwing in the towel. Much like Rick Perry, he will be exposed, humiliated, and shredded by his own party on a national stage.

    But I guarantee it will make for some mouth-dropping and surely humorous political fodder along the way! Oh yes, Jon Stewart will be watching his replacement from home suffering the occasional, sweaty twinges of doubt like a comedy junky – “Shit, this Cruz is a walking, talking punch line who writes his own material! Maybe I should have stuck around for one more election season!” Oh what I wouldn’t give for two more seasons of Colbert!!

    My favorite comment so far came from Larry Wilmore’s “Nightly Show”, where following Ted’s big announcement, guest Lewis Black had this to say: “I took LSD in my youth, and it didn’t prepare me for him… We’ve lived through this before. This is 1956. If Cruz had appeared at Liberty University and it was shot in black and white, then I’d go, ‘I get it.’ This is someone who should never have made it to color television.”

    But you’ve made me a believer, Ted – run Cruzman, RUN!!

Your comments make the blog go 'round, so give us a push.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s